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*~Hannah's RANDOM CRAP Journal!~* [entries|friends|calendar]

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[16 Mar 2011|09:42pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

Unrequited love is the worst. How do you act around someone you love that doesn't share that vulnerability and deep set emotion?? Fucking bullshit.
I am at a loss. Maybe sometime soon something will change. .. Or I'll move up on his priority list at least.

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[29 Jun 2010|01:24am]
                     You may not be her first, her last, or her only.
                             She loved before she may love again.
                      But if she loves you now, what else matters?
                                She's not perfect, you aren't either,
                and the two of you may never be perfect together
        but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice,
                 and admit to being human and making mistakes, 
                   hold onto her and give her the most you can.
                           She may not be thinking about you
          every second of the day, but she will give you a part of
                       her that she knows you can break her heart.
                  So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze  
                           and don't expect more than she can give.
                             Smile when she makes you happy, 
                    let her know when she makes you mad,
                        and miss her when she's not there. 
                                                                     -Bob Marley.

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not liking this. [27 Jan 2010|11:22am]
[ mood | gloomy ]

i am an idiot. i've probably said that statement more times in this journal than anything else.
i hung out with alex the other day. bad plan. how am i still this vulnerable?
i push guys who are probably going to be nice to me away.
i let the stupid shit ppl say get to me.
i pursue heartache.
i have an unrealistic future plan.
i want to run away.
at least i made my oil change appointment for my car.

if i get to graduate in may (still waiting on stupid letter from school telling me i've met all requirements) then i really hope that makes me grow up. I'm  going to start applying for big girl jobs in February. I'm going to try and take the few more classes i need to get into actuarial science masters program. and then move. i'm thinking either Urbana/Champaign or Ball State.

i have mixed feelings about my job. sometimes it rocks and sometimes it makes me crazy.

i'm going to buy the dvd. all proceeds to go haiti.
i <3 my sorority.
Winni saves my life.
i'm out.

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[19 Aug 2008|06:54pm]
i need more romantic comedies.
i've run out.
i'm a loser.
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[18 Aug 2008|10:10pm]
pictures make me sad too.
my dad can't get the light above the stairs to work.
tomorrow will be better.
mom wants to take me to buy my bookshelf thing soon.
i told her about the weird recurring kitten dream. i'm not sure what to make of that.

i want to go to britain. i like the way ppl there talk. and think of the mad shopping.
i also like the term "merry-andrew" although i'm not positive about what it means.
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[18 Aug 2008|09:28pm]
i am pathetic.
i went to michael's today just to entertain myself. i've reached a new low.

on the bright side, jamie is back from detroit.
and i'll be busier soon since school is starting.
i've watched about a billion movies. and the commentaries. lol.
oh gotta love the summer.

work kind of sucks. the one thing at work that i like doing (financial stuff) is not going to be only mine anymore. the new girl will be learning it too. and i've been working 40 hour weeks.. which is good pay.. but sucks for everything else.

i got to see hannah ducey yesterday at shoe carnival and i got 2 awesome pairs of shoes.

have you noticed that 1876 is like the most referenced year ever? its in like 23473 movies. no joke.

so i think i'm going to print out some pictures to put into frames. i did some the other day when i was cleaning out my room. its kind of fun.

byes and loves.
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[02 Jul 2008|12:23am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

so a lot has happened since i wrote my last journal.
alex and i broke up. i'm not used to it. i'm not sure how long it will take me until i am.
i'm not doing so good.
and basically i have been doing like nothing productive lately except studying. i'm pretty sure that i'm addicted to shopping too. not that i consider that something productive but it does make me feel better. this weekend is the fourth of july and erin and greg and i are going to indiana which i'm excited about. i haven't been up there since spring break.
i need to sleep more. i have not been doing that much lately.
i love my laptop. just saying.
know what makes me mad? when firefox tells me that words are spelled wrong when really i just didn't capitalize them.
accounting is amazing.
marketing hates me.
i should be a professional card maker because i love to make cards (if you've ever gotten one, you know they rock) and i got to make some at work for our office to be the birthday cards that we send out to our employees and they're pretty sweet. and basically i love publisher. not gonna lie. i hadn't used it before but i wish i had it on this computer so i could use it all the time for all sorts of things.
know what i don't like? not making lots of money. i wish i had incentive to continue this crazy unfun world i am in when i'm at work or in class. i know what ppl say about how this will all be worth it someday and that i'll need this for the things i want in life. but i feel like i'm capable of doing that stuff now. i'm a fast learner and i like hands on learning. really. i'm just having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
on a better note.. we got a huge shipment of office supplies in from office max today at work and that basically made my entire week. no joke. and i've been doing a lot of cleaning and stuff lately and i enjoy that. know what i don't like? not having AIS reports to do. i love AIS reports. for those of you wondering i think that AIS stands for Administrative information system. i could get on the siue website right now and figure it out but i would rather type. wow. i'm that lazy. i'm laying in bed with my laptop on my lap and my back up against a hello kitty wedge pillow and i still don't feel like moving my wrists from the position they are in on my keyboard to the little touch pad. ha ha ha oh life.

i plucked my eyebrows today.
got my nails filled yesterday.
have been trying to eat better.
not seeing much progress but i'm hoping these things take time.
and i bought new makeup today with jessy at target that i'm going to try out tomorrow and we'll see how that works out.
and hopefully this weekend in indiana i'll be able to get my hair highlighted.
i'm trying.

so my camera is ruined i think. it will only turn on if i have it plugged into the wall and they stopped making the kind of batteries that it needs. so that blows. i think my birthday list will be new camera, bookcase, money, clothes, movies, and palm pilot cellular. that sounds good.

i guess thats it for now.
i feel better. maybe i just needed to type.
its kind of therapeutic for me. thats right, i spelled it correctly. so i guess sometimes the spell check on firefox works for me.

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she was looking. [13 Jun 2008|12:47pm]

Ok so i'm at work and i really need to get shit done today but all i can think about is my doctor's appointment that i had this morning.

it was a woman's doctor appointment so if this is going to gross you out or something, don't read it.
just to let everyone know.. i hate that place. but i think everyone does. 
he did the ovary squeezing thing. and the boob thing. and then pap thing. and i had to wear the damn paper clothes. 

But the part that really aggravated me was that the nurse who escorted me back was wearing blue denim capris, a loose t-shirt and flip flops. i do not like this. this is the opposite of what i like to see in a doctor's office. 

i hate peeing in cups. 

then i had to wait forever. and then we talked. and then i put on the paper clothes.
and then he came back in to do the chest exam and i passed. (he said that, i think he was trying to lighten the mood, it got so awkward i started to hum) and then he called someone in to be in there when he does the pelvic exam, which is normal, so everyone knows that he isn't touching me in weird places.
and the girl who came in was the same girl as who brought me back. and he told her what he needed or w/e and she was handing it to him and she was looking. i mean looking. and it wasn't like horrified or horny it was just looking. and i don't like that. and this really bothered me. and i haven't been able to think about much else since this happened. what kind of a creeper does that!?!?!?! i mean i know i've only been there about 3 times and that doesn't make me an expert but honestly!!! ugh. 
and i get really uncomfortable as it is but this made it like 500 times worse. and then he was like "please let your knees fall to the sides" which is normal and i seriously could not get my legs to go more than like 10" apart. I could not believe that girl. i mean the fucking nerve. 
i don't know what to do. 

and remember how the gel used to be really cold? well now they have a warmer or something so its hotter than body temperature. and i hated that. and i feel very moist. and i only like moist if it was made moist by things i like. omg. i'm pacing at work. 

dianne noticed i seemed kind of down. slash i am borderline suicidal. (i seriously had to think about how to spell suicidal for like 30 seconds. which is kind of a long time if you think about it.)

but on the plus side, he wrote me a new prescription and now i'll only have periods 4 times a year. which is going to kick fucking ass!
but still. what a creeper. i don't know if i should like tell him this or just let it go. 

oh and here are my vitals:
weight: 137 (with all of my clothes on, including shoes)
blood pressure: 117/62 (don't ask me what the fuck it means)
cigarettes smoked since i woke up: 6
hours i've been awake: 6
times i've wanted to cry: 69838475

why was she looking at my vagina? omg. i want to kill myself. 
at least starbucks is open again. and i have a sorority retreat tonight and maybe i'll ask some of the girls what they think. 

ok, i'm done. still scarred but done.

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[07 May 2008|05:01pm]
woot woot. A is psychology.
thats right.
apparently crazy ppl and i go well together.
100% on the final. 97.7 in the class.
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[07 May 2008|12:28am]
three finals are done. and only one to go. and i know that i officially received a B in sociology. and ya know what.. i don't care. i hate sociology. i hate concepts and i hate theories. there is no structure to sociology. yea its about society and the way ppl interact. but i don't like the weirdness of it. i like weird ppl and the strange ideas creative people come up with. i do not like learning about what ancient people said about this stuff. its lame.

but i am officially done with MS 251.. aka Business Statistics. and its supposed to be the hardest class in the entire business school. so we'll see how that goes. and i sent my psychology final to my psychology teacher. so i should get that back sometime. i feel.. slightly relieved. the thing is.. while i've been working on my other finals and stuff... i kinda pushed accounting to the back burner. and now thats kicking my ass.

well lets think about it this way. i have to get a 99% to get an A. so thats probably not going to happen. i just need to make sure that i keep my B. which i think is doable. so yea. i need to go to sleep but i'm restless. but as soon as i put sweat pants on and take off my bra i'll probably be insanely comfortable and all asleep within minutes.

hopefully i get stuff done tomorrow at work.
graduation is this coming sunday. greg is graduating and jessy is too. there are lots of ASTs graduating. i'm going to miss them. a lot of them were some of my favorite girls. its too bad.

oh geez. alex has been playing grand theft auto four for like 2347 hours. ok he just got it today but he has been playing it for a long time. but he likes it so thats good. and we got burger king for dinner. i'm a fatass. leave me alone. i wonder how i did on my stats final. thats pretty much the only class that i care about. how sad is that. if i get 2 As and 2 Bs this semester, thats like a 3.5 right? so thats not too bad. especially with summer coming up. i love summer classes but watch this be the one that kicks my ass.

i love my boys. they are best friends. and they love me. they are my family. and they make me feel so loved. i hope i do the same for them. they are my sweeties. i've been taking lots of pictures of them, basically cuz i love them so much. ha ha ha

summer is on its way bitches and u can feel it outside.
i better get a freaking A in psych.
i like penguins.
how many ppl do you know that can look at pictures of penguins for 30 minutes. i can. i know it doesn't sound like a long time but oh man it is.
ok wanna hear something sick? i found this picture of this super buff chick with a clitoris that looked like a lil weinie. so i got a lil interested and wanted to see if that was like a common thing or not. and apparently it is. there are some that look like little mini uncircumcised penises. no joke. and yea.. i was going to put more details but its hard for me to explain without being super explicit. so if ur interested look it up. if not.. go back to non-big clit life.

some guy called me a cunt for only going 5 over the speed limit. i hate some ppl. why are they around? they aren't bettering society.
"can't do much damage with that now can we? perhaps it shoulda been rule of wrist"  <-- if u know what thats from.. we're best friends.

cuz i like you, yea i like you, and i feel so bohemian like you.    -dandy warhols. check em out

ok still super restless. i'm going to have another cigarette and then probably go to bed. i'm a loser. but i'm a pretty good typer. all that time on the freaking type-writer is really starting to pay off.
i get to go to work tomorrow. and hopefully get some stuff done. but i thought that was going to happen today.. but it turned out that i only found more work for myself. not cool man. not cool.

i need to be less busy. and sleep more. and smoke less. ha ha like any of those three are going to happen.

ok. love you all. especially if you listened to me ramble on for that entire time.
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saturday before finals.... [03 May 2008|11:14am]
so instead of writing up my psychology case studies, making a cash flow statement, studying sex and gender, or determining why r squared and adjusted r squared are so different, i'm writing in my livejournal.
this morning when i was doing some homework and alex was sleeping, wally stopped by! and he is the best. and he got back from iraq on tuesday and he will be here until like november of '09. So i'm basically ecstatic. right now he and alex are in the studio playing some pretty music and i can definitely tell the difference when they add in wally on bass. bah its fantastic. and i'm so glad that he is back in the US. But it is kinda early for them to be playing. and they are shaking the entire apartment. Hopefully alex does not get kicked out of the building.
i'm hungry.
and since finals are next week no one is doing anything on facebook. lame lame lame.
but i think i'm going to watch golden compass again today. :). and then again tomorrow with erin and dad (hopefully).
ok well yea.
i love you.
o and i do not like those ppl in texas that had sex with all of those young girls.. that might have been their daughters. not cool man. keep your cock in ur pants until they're old enough.
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[30 Apr 2008|03:16pm]
sooo whats up?
today is wednesday and i just got done with class.
i am now officially the only student worker at VCSA (thats my work).
and next week is finals.. and i only have one more day of class this week.
and my final schedule is pretty awesome.
i have one monday at 12. one on tuesday at 6:30 p.m. and one on thursday at noon. my psyc final is a take home and i can turn it in on thursday.
tomorrow is psyc group presentation about breaking social norms. how exciting. we are about to go to the library to meet up with our group.
bah. this weekend is going to be all about sleep for me. and studying. yay.
i bought golden compass last night and i'm super excited about watching it tonight. me and alex are going to get food after our group thing and then come back to the apartment and eat and work on homework and watch it! i'm pumped and i really hope he likes it because if not then its just another stupid movie that i'm making him watch.
i like hot fuzz.
and i already started my birthday list.

accounting is not my friend. and neither is stats. as long as i don't get a D in stats and  get at least a B in acct i should be good. i am surprisingly excited for summer classes.
last night me and jane and jamie and shannon all had like a mini girls night at jane's and watched 27 dresses and that was fun. we worked on some homework too. i love it.
kitten is the cutest thing on earth and i put some pics of him on facebook and more ppl comment on those than they do on pictures of people. explain that to me. i guess everyone likes kitten.
so today is beautiful outside.. and i love it.
and i got to eat today before class and that was cool. i had leftover subway sandwich. this $5 foot long deal rocks my world. but the creeper at subway who talked to me the whole time and gave me his card and whose daughter took pictures of me on her camera phone didn't rock my world.
alex is here by me now and i'm going to hug him.
see ya!
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[14 Feb 2008|10:29am]
so its valentine's day. yay.
i'm in a pretty average mood. 
i'm at work and have nothing to do. 
and i haven't gone out for a cigarette yet. (i start work @ 8a.m. and it is now 10:30. and I usually go out at 10)
i love candy and cookies and scones and muffins. 
i don't wanna take my ACCT quiz today.

ok now i'm back from a break. 
but i should probably do work now.
not that i have any.

i get to see alex tonight!
and i don't have to sleep alone!
oh life.

p/s: i definitely watched the Chipmunk Adventure last night with mom, tim, erin, and greg! it was amazing!
and today is greg's birthday.

oh and just as a sidenote.. the economy isn't doing so well right now.. so i think the new president should make marijuana legal (at least medicinal) so we can tax it and help the nation and possibly even other countries. 
some people are dumb.
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basically worst day ever [04 Feb 2008|08:24am]
[ mood | crushed ]

so far today.. I've lost my cell phone and swiped a car.
I didn't leave them a note yet because 1. i didn't think about it at the time and 2. i didn't have any paper. i'm going to leave a note. but i'm pretty sure i'm a felon. this is not a good day for me. and i stayed up far too late. 
ugh.. i'll hit you back when more comes up.
i'm at work.

i need coffee like now. 

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[08 Jan 2008|04:07pm]
 today i'm at work. wasn't supposed to be but jessy wasn't feeling well and i need the money. 
 i was really looking forward to seeing alex today a bunch. i wonder if he's in waterloo yet... :(
 and i'm basically starving.
 and i didn't have a lot of clothes at alex's so i'm wearing the same outfit that i wore last night.
 and its raining cats and dogs outside.

i'm thinking about focusing 100% on accounting. weird eh?
i have to work again tomorrow and i'm going to be trained. and then i'll have to do that job for a month or two and then i'll have to train someone else. 

i need to be snuggled and fed right now. 
i'm a kitty (practically: when reading the sentence above out of context and trying to guess the animal that said it)

i need money.
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[07 Jan 2008|11:10am]
i hate when  you throw up in your mouth a little bit.
and when you take a big drink of water but somehow have a lot a trouble swallowing. 
and when you have big zits on your face that you can't pop because you're at work and you don't want a big red blotch on your face. 
i need to spend less time alone at work. 
this can't be healthy.
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[06 Jan 2008|02:11am]
[ mood | drained ]

so  i'm trying to plan these 6 weddings right now and i can't find the prices for like anything because all of the things i want are i guess pricey and none of the websites show the prices. isn't that dumb? 

i can't sleep. i don't feel well. i have nothing to do. but i am thirsty. water sounds nice. so does snuggling up to alex to get warm. 

school is coming up. and i haven't even looked at that essay i have to write about getting into the school of business. i think since i got accepted into siue i should automatically get accepted into the school of business. lame.

sweat pants are my best friend.
holiday eating loves my thighs. 
superman is hot as shit.

i need some rest.

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[02 Jan 2008|01:53pm]

 ever wondered where the gym teachers get all of the athletic equipment we used in elementary school until high school?


everything from scooters to those huge rainbow things and those weird cones and those things you wrap around poles so when kids run into them they don't get hurt. dodgeballs, croquet, lacrosse, ping pong, shuffleboard, etc.


i am in shock right now.

love you!

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just saw the golden compass! [22 Dec 2007|12:04am]
[ mood | crushed ]

and i basically loved it. they took out a lot of the sad parts and some parts made much less sense but how else could they do some of the things in only two hours when it takes at least 2 days to read the book. i really liked it. and i know erin and greg really liked it too.

alex was supposed to take me on a date to go see it. but he didn't ask me. you have to ask someone to go on a date. and you can't wait until the movie is about to go out of the theater either. we broke up so we could go back to how it was. and barely anything has changed.
i miss him. it hasn't been 12 hours since i've seen him but i miss him. i want him to hold me and i want to feel safe. i want him to kiss my forehead and wrap his arms around me.
and now he won't answer my phone calls. how could i screw this up so badly?

we got our final grades today.
all a's and 1 b.
i am not happy with my english teacher. how can i get an A in meteorology and a B in english? i'm not bad at english. w/e.
i think i'm going to go sort through some stuff i brought from alex's and watch movies on onDemand.
and pray for him to call me.

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likes [12 Dec 2007|11:42pm]
so i really like my job. i feel like they think i'm useful and good at stuff.. which makes doing the stuff that anyone could do better because i am not too proud to do the little things that also matter. i'm not sure if that makes as much sense outside of my head.

i also like christmas.. the wrapping of the presents and the shaking of the boxes. its pretty sweet.

i like mom and tim's new tv too.
and harry potter.
and the more previews i see for the simpson's movie the more i want to see it.
i wanna see the golden compass whether i like the actress who is playing Lyra or not.
i like alex and his cult shirts too. he makes me happy and thinks that its ok for me to be me. and if you know me very well.. you know i'm pretty weird.

oh man. i'm tired. being somewhere at 8a.m. and staying there til 4:30 makes me tired. its so crazy that its dark when i leave my building. since i started working in may.. i'm not used to it being dark when i leave.
i went to both mom's and dad's tonight.
i like it both places.
i like kitten and peeky and maddie and i even got to see rachel and bandit.. and i like them pretty good too.
i like my clothes and my family.
i like ern and greg.
i like that me and dad can have conversations that few other people would understand. and that he likes teaching me things. i miss him.
next semester i plan on spending a lot more time at home which i think will be good for me and alex and me and dad. and i think it will help me save money.. except on gas. i miss sleeping in my own bed. and i miss being able to dance around naked and listen to rap music and dance and look dumb. and i miss being able to wear different shoes every five minutes. isn't weird the things you do when you're alone.

this has been a kind of random journal.
i'm done with fall semester. and don't give a shit about my grades.
i get to apply to school of business next semester. that makes me pretty happy.
i'm going to try and get all my shit out of alex's apartment  but we'll see how well that works out.
well i'm going to gather up my books so i can return them tomorrow.
talk to you all later.
can't wait for candace's birthday or for haley to come home!!!!!
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